i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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