He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
