I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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