Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
