I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
