I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize