Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Every concussion has its silver lining
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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