i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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