The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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