you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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