Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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