At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
