The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
