Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
