Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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