if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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