Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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