Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize