i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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