apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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