i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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