Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
it glows. i had to have it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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