I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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