In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize