You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
