After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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