i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
