i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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