I think I won the penis lottery.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
