Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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