You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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