1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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