I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
