forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
