So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
high people should be assigned attendants
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
