can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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