Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
