So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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