i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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