i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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