One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
