There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
