I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
