My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
