totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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