Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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