Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
