Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
