When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize