Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize