if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
