If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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