My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
