Umm I'm too high to move.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
