i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
