I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
