I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
