I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
