you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
