Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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