please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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